15 February 2006

Retraction: State of Mind post.

I was wrong in my State of Mind post on Jan 25, when I stated that thinking of a very emotional time in my life is not totally unpleasant.

This revelation came yesterday. Members of the ALL support list have been posting their diagnosis stories, and I volunteered to put them up on a web page. Okay, so, everyone is posting their stories of how their child was diagnosed with leukemia and I find myself not reading them. "No time" I tell myself. This goes on for a while, then comes the moment when I'm actually copying the stories into html. "I should read these and edit them as I go" I tell myself. Still I hold back. Finally my editing sensibilities get the best of me (I have to change theirs to there's or bare to bear or add paragraphs, these things drive me buggy) and I begin reading the recounts of diagnoses.

And it hit me. Reading the stories forced me to think of a specific time when James was diagnosed. Whoa. It hurt like heck. The moment that comes to me is a certain image that is too private - I am not going to share this image with you. It was a moment that marks a change in the way we were to live from then on out, and I knew it at that moment. A mom, her kid, the kid is different in her eyes than any other kid on this earth, the kids are supposed to be able to grow up without cancer. What we had been told by the doctors was unfathomable.

So. I can recall some generalities from those emotional years that give me the "you were so alive" feelings, but I did not realize that I was blocking from recall some particular moments. Those moments, they made me not even want to be alive.

It was totally unpleasant.


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