07 February 2021

I caused the pandemic . . .

. . . confessions of a person afflicted with OCD

On the workout bench, I finish 12 chest press reps. Then a thought drifts into my mind: "You didn't do a perfect 12 reps because the last rep was kind of iffy and doesn't count as a true rep". I have a strong need to do one more rep to make the count right . . .

But if I did one rep, I would have to do 4 reps, because maybe the rep I thought wrong was okay and should be counted. So if I did just one, I might have actually done 13. 13 is a forbidden number.

Why is 13 forbidden? I just know. I am afraid of doing 13. I like doing multiples of 4. They just are right.

I sit back on the workout bench to calm my brain. I take a few cleansing breaths to talk myself out of doing 4 more reps. "That is an obsession, let it flow away, do not do any more reps" is what I think to myself. This is me practicing CBT (cognitive behavior therapy).

I start to relax and accept my rep total. But then I think . . . "but what if I don't make it right by doing 4 more reps, what if something terrible happens?" And then "that's just silly", but then again . . .

. . . I have been really working on ignoring my obsessions. I am getting better at it. Then I think . . .

. . . during this last year, what if my ignoring my obsessions has led to something terrible . . . what if it led to the pandemic?"

Welcome to my world. Be glad - be ecstatic! - that you do not have OCD.


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